


My saviour, my hero (I wait for)

by orphan_account



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Guilt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark guest appearance, Triggers, just some fucked up stuff, originale female character just wants a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 16:58:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16727349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: She just wants to be a hero because heroes are strong and she is weak.





	My saviour, my hero (I wait for)

**Author's Note:**

> Just know, that is just some rubbish I wrote. There might be some triggers.

Sometimes, she felt her mask falter. Sometimes, she felt like crying. Sometimes, she wanted her head to shut the damn fuck up. Nobody seemed to notice that she trapped herself in a vicious circle. Again. Yes, they do not worry. Yet. She doesn't hurt herself. Much. She doesn't consider this. Much. But she couldn't stop. Again. 

All this makes her think she is chained and in a cage that she created by herself. Slowly isolating herself just to not let them notice.

Don't show them herself. Just put up your mask as soon you open your eyes. Keep your filter in front of your mouth. Even if you desire to run away, to cry, to shout, to curse, to insult, to hide under the table, to punch, to destroy-

Don't.

Don't do anything they will make you regret, she thinks.

because in the end, she will regret. Because they will shout at her, making her silent, making her feel guilty with their broken, pitiful glances they give her.

Especially one.

She couldn't...

 

Humming to the music that came out of the earplugs she imagines standing on the edge of the Empire State Building- No, if she would ever do it, she would make her last-

don't think.

It's bad for her mood.

It's bad.

It's bad. 

She should not feel like this. 

She does not deserve to feel sorry.

Other have experienced worse and don't ponder about their life.

Her mother had lost her father as a teenager. How dare she to complain her life was bad if her mother has experienced so much worse and still was so though.

Strong women don't cry.

She should not self-pity herself.

After all, she had never lost something important? Hadn't she.

Her father was never a part of her life, did not care enough to even try fighting over her.

Her father-figurine told tales of staying in contact, staying family before suddenly going quietly.

> Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored?  
> Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?  
> We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep  
> There are things that we can have, but can't keep  
>   
> If they say  
> Who cares if one more light goes out?  
> In the sky of a million stars  
> It flickers, flickers  
> Who cares when someone's time runs out?  
> If a moment is all we are  
> We're quicker, quicker  
> Who cares if one more light goes out?  
> Well, I do

Who cares, she hears herself question often. She tries not to or when she does she tries to keep remembering. 

Her friends... Well... no- They care! Do not even dare to DOUBT them! They care, don't you see.

But the only thing she sees some days is some strange movie like boring high school drama. Exams, boring fangirling.. she can not evennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmner knhhdtsrhbkvj tfukhgfjthngkhmftinvh,tdnfujhtvmstttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt...

Can not even type on the keyboard...

Her head hurts and the music can not tune this noise out. 

She tries. 

She tries to talk. But she is the way to dramatic so she keeps it all to herself. Her problems are no problems.

Who would even care if one more light goes out?

A little "me" echoes through her head.

>   
> The reminders, pull the floor from your feet  
> In the kitchen, one more chair than you need, oh  
> And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair  
> Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there
> 
>  

Just because he doesn't live here anymore it doesn't mean he is not here anymore.

The car is still here, the memories, too.

The flat is still the same, where she experienced most of-of childhood memories with him on her side. All the happy laughing, all the fun fighting on the big bed, all the excited exclaims of joy.

All the embarrassing unforgettable moments, all the worry, all the fear of thunderstorms and nightmares. All the soothing. All the moments of her happy childhood just keep flashing back.

Her memory is terrible and yet she can remember exactly several movie nights, family game nights and all the father-daughter stuff.

She wants to hate it, but she can not. She wants to hate him. But she can't. 

Damn him, even when she sees him and looks directly into his eyes, saying "hello" while he keeps his dog away there is no trace of caring left. She turned to a stranger. 

"You will always be my little one.", she thinks bitterly.

yeah... so much about that.

>  
> 
> If they say
> 
> Who cares if one more light goes out?  
> In a sky of a million stars  
> It flickers, flickers  
> Who cares when someone's time runs out?  
> If a moment is all we are  
> Or quicker, quicker  
> Who cares if one more light goes out?  
> Well, I do

 

Her mothers face had been horrible. The look of shock, worry, guilt, pity. When she had seen the almost invisible lines on her forearm. She had not cut herself at least. Yet. Yet. Yet. And the whole phase had finally stopped. But somehow she even feels more lost now, because she feels too often for her liking near the edge of just breaking down. 

Just three people had seen her on her bad days after she had broken down. The one who knows the most about her state of mind is just an old friend with whom she is not in contact anymore.

 The next is a teacher with an incredible talent to listen to people. Or pupils. She had broken down once during school, hidden in the basement so nobody would see her being weak. Why did she call him? In the end, it did not help. 

her mother somehow got wind about her being down. She called her best friend's mother to intervene. 

She appreciates her mother's want to help but FUCK- she hates meddling. NOBODY meddles with her stuff.

She hates it when somebody does it.

So it made her want to hide more again. Damn it! She had been ready to open herself up, to actually tidy up the mess of confusing thoughts in her own head. She had been brave enough. And now. Now she just feels ridiculous. 

Well, she is crazy, stupid, weird, fat, ugly, annoying, abnormal, stupid and dumb after all. And an amazing actor. After all her crying, anxiousness, nervousness, need to hide are just all egotistical acts to gain some attention.

Others have it worse.

Others have several family members dying away because of cancer.

Others had to live through their parents' divorce.

She was too young to remember. 

Others had abusive parents.

She had a caring mother. Working all her ass off, almost destroying her health just to enable a good future.

After all, all the guilt she feels should be more, not less.

Damn it, all over the world people live a miserable life and SHE HAS A LUXURIOUS LIFE. 

Yes, it could be better. Less Annoying.

But it also could be worse. 

It feels after all too much like dreaming. She wonders when she will wake up?

>   
> Who cares if one more light goes out?  
> In a sky of a million stars  
> It flickers, flickers  
> Who cares when someone's time runs out?  
> If a moment is all we are  
> Or quicker, quicker  
> Who cares if one more light goes out?  
> Well, I do  
> Well, I do
> 
>  

She just wished to be a hero. Heroes always managed to solve problems. That's why they are heroes.

A strange man sits down next to her. Strange because the possibility of her meeting such an incredible and awesome celebrity is about zero. God damn it, this is Tony Stark, who is sitting next to her on the bench. 

How is this even possible?

"You looked like you needed some good company here to distract you. See yourself honored by my presence!"

He grinned stupidly while wearing some dumb baseball cap on his head, old grandpa sunglasses on his nose and an ordinary a little bit too baggy jumper. 

"Oh hi." 

Seriously, she meets her hero (one of them. Spidey is cool, too) and all she mutters (mutters!!!!) is 'oh hi.'

Come on, this is one of these opportunities fate gifts you just once

"Why do you sit all alone here? I mean, it is freaking cold! Yesterday did it even snow here! Don't you freeze?"

"No. I wanted some peace."

**Author's Note:**

> Damn this stupid movie. Damn it. I hate it. Now my mind is overworking.


End file.
